We Don't Want Relationships

I can feel your hesitation after reading this title. "How can you say this?!" you may wonder incredulously. If I came across a reconciliation blog publishing something like this, I would likely have the same reaction.

Most of us are in countless relationships including family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, local church body, co-workers, and even more. You likely think about and engage in a multitude of these relationships throughout the day, and maybe the following phrases feel all too familiar:

• "Why did (s)he say that to me?"

• "Oh no... I have to interact with this person again."

• "I can't believe they did that!"

• "My spouse disappointed me."

• "Why can't my kids stop fighting?"

• "Leadership in this organization just doesn't get it."

• "If this person says this to me today, then I'm going to respond with this. They'll likely respond with that, and then I'll say this and that will show them!" (Rehearsing scenarios in our heads)

Unless you live in a cave (or something like that), relationships are the core of your day, the subject on your mind, the primary influence on how you think about your day. They can be the "cause" of much of your frustration (we'll talk about why cause is in quotes later on). As much as you try to run from relationships, they are there at every turn. It doesn't matter if you are introverted or extroverted; you can't escape them. So, what is the reason for our title; why don't we want relationships? Let's explore some fundamental truths to help us understand:

We need relationships.

This assertion is true. God designed us for relationships to reflect the perfect community that exists within the Trinity. You know exactly where I am headed - Creation. (excerpts from Genesis 1:26-28, 2:18, bold is mine)

"Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens...male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion...Then the Lord God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him. "

The use of this plural pronoun here indicates relationships. God created everything and declared it "very good", but the one thing God was displeased with in his creation was the lonesome man. God knew something was missing. He knew we needed relationships to help refine us, to keep us from being self-centered, and to live out God's love with others, to serve others. We can't live out the 52 "one-another" passages if we don't have one-another! We were built for relationships. That was God-given and God-designed.

We want our own way.

"Want" is the key part of this article title. All the reasons why God created us for relationships go against our sin nature. Sin behavior is about gratifying our flesh and following our wants. Relationships expose the motivations or wants of our hearts. Remember how I put the term "cause" in quotes above? We may think other people are the cause of our frustration, but really, they are revealing what is already inside of us (see: Who Am I by Nature?). The cause of our sin behavior is not external but internal. Paul Tripp, in his devotional book New Morning Mercies, puts it this way:

"It's a comfortable, street-level heresy. It feels good to think that your biggest problems in life exist outside you and not inside you, but the problem is that it simply is not true...Sin is a matter of the heart before it is ever an issue of our behavior. This means that your and my biggest problem in life exists inside us and not outside us. It's the evil inside me that connects me to the evil outside me. So I must confess that I am my greatest problem."

What is your response to reading that? Do you want to deflect responsibility and justify your behavior like I am prone to do? Or do you humbly admit that you are your greatest problem?

Therefore, God puts us in relationships.

We want our own way, but God knows we need other people in our lives. Therefore, he puts us in relationships—a variety of them. Try to list out all the relationships you've had over the years starting with your family of origin, adding in relatives you've met, then move to people who you knew in childhood through school, neighbors, sports teams, church and then move to your adult years through college, church, work, neighbors, etc. Are your hands and brain tired yet? Now, think about all the lessons you've learned from these relationships and tell me the Lord didn't divinely put you in each of those for your good. You may look at many of those names with fondness while some may cause your blood pressure to rise. Every single one of those relationships was orchestrated to combat that "street level heresy" of believing that our problems have nothing to do with our own faults, forcing us face-to-face with the truth and allowing us to run to God for much-needed grace..

God pursued us.

The Bible isn't vague about our desire to have a relationship with God in the first place. God created us not only for relationship with others but relationship with himself. Though we can see what happened in Genesis 3 - we walked away from God. We were the prodigal son in Luke 15. We were described as far-off, enemies, children of wrath, disobedient, alienated, hopeless, ignorant, corrupt, unfruitful, and that's just a brief overview from Ephesians! We did not want and could not have a relationship with the Holy God of the universe (see: Who Am I by Nature? An Enemy of God). Until Christ. Christ was the mediator between God and man, the reconciler, the prince of peace. He created relationship where there was no relationship. He not only gave us the ability to connect with God but the desire to abide in him. We are no longer far-off but brought near. We are no longer slaves but children of God, adopted into his family. We are no longer dead but alive in Christ. We have a heavenly Father who beckons us near to him. One day, we will permanently dwell in his presence in perfect relationship with him and everyone else in Heaven.

We don't want relationships because they force us to grow.

You might have relationships that aren't what you want them to be right now. Perhaps they are struggling or even completely severed. No matter what stage they might be in, it is not too late for God to restore those relationships. 1 John 1:7 says, "but if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin." God knew from the beginning that we would need his supernatural help. He sent his son to the cross so that we could be purified and experience the immeasurable grace of God in every way. Relationships show us new facets of this grace when we walk in the light together. You may find that you need to go and confess your sin to the other person in your conflict. You may also need to proclaim forgiveness to them for their sin (see Proclaiming God's Forgiveness).

God has made you for relationships, brought you into relationship with himself, and ordains relationships in your life that are designed to refine and strengthen you. Let's lean into them and see the Lord work in ways beyond our imagination!

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For further study, I recommend:

• Relationships: A Mess Worth Making – by Paul David Tripp and Timothy S. Lane

• When Sinners Say "I Do": Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage - by Dave Harvey (though designed for marriage, many of the concepts can apply to any relationship)

• Personal Peacemaking Course on our website (it's free!)

• Transforming Relationships: Resolving Conflict or Reconciling Relationships

• Come to a Reconciliation Weekend live event that's completely focused on relationships and reconciliation (dates, location and registration coming soon).

• If you are truly in a harmful, abusive, destructive relationship then please seek the appropriate authorities and biblical counseling..